Thursday, September 15, 2005

The terminal

I'm at the airport boarding gate, quite early & just waiting to board, stupid eircom charging for wifi, dam them.

Well I'm tired (didn't sleep) & I have to say I have never seen my bathroom looking so clean, & it doesn't smell like bad eggs!

I'm looking foreward to the long haul flight as I'm likely to crash out, which should speed the trip up. Well I guess thats it, I dont think I can write until I get back, China's blocked off access to blogs (as far as I know).

Saturday, September 03, 2005

On being ok

When I read this it makes me think that I'm doing ok, & makes me feel like a selfish looser for being so self obsessed.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Too many people scare me

I seem to have developed a debilitating fear of groups of people (larger than 4 or 5), I've always had this problem but thought that I had overcome it. I spent 3 years just trying to get over this and now it's starting to come back.

Tonight at that wedding, even though I ran into the groom & he asked me in I didn't want to. I started to sweat & got a headache. I did go in but after a minute I couldn't take it.

I just felt that I was somewhere that I wasn't wanted. And most of these people I've know for years some I grew up with!

What the hell is my problem? even when I'm in a group of people I feel like an outsider, even in my own family! There have been a few exceptions to this, and I can't explain why this happened.

Wedding Crasher

I went to a wedding today, well actually no I didn't "go". I just turned up at the reception (I would have been there for the wedding itself if I wasn't babysitting my niece & nephew for the day), hoping to miss the food.
They were still eating when I arrived so feeling really out of place (& not being invited or a wedding crasher) I waited outside.

The person getting married was a girl I knew since I was 8, we never really talked (I have no idea about her personality, I always assumed she didn't have one, she has yet to prove to me otherwise). We were even in the same Sunday school class. She came to my wedding & reception. I see this girl every Sunday at church & have for nearly all of the last 12 years. I even knew the groom (although not as well, but he seemed like a nice enough guy). But no invitiation.

I said hello to a few & congradulations (but not to the girl, I can't speak to her, I don't know how) and left.

But here's the thing, her brother also got married a short while ago (actually a few months after I got hitched) and I didn't get an invitation to that either. Again this is a person who I have known since I was 8 and went to Sunday school with, and I actually did talk with this guy. At the time I didn't care, I was just married & far to busy with other things.

I'm wondering if it's just me (my imagination) or if it's something that I do or have done that people don't want me at their wedding. I guess it's nothing terrible but it's a bit sad (from my point of view).

Bad feeling

For the last few day's I've been getting the feeling my wife might leave me. She's mentioned that she feels sometimes she's given up more than a working woman would have, and when I talk to her she sounds so very annoyed with our son (which is very understandable, since he's 10 months old & has more energy that the Duracel bunny).

For the last few nights before I fall asleep I keep thinking about this. I keep getting the thought I will wake up & she'll be gone, leaving a letter saying she just couldn't take being a mother, that she's sorry she left & to take care of our son.

I know this is just my imagination, it hasn't actually happened but I keep getting the feeling it will. Pretty terrible.

I guess just because it's so close to us being together again that I might just be acting up, getting anctious.